With its third episode, Bachelor Pad decides to drop all pretenses. The mansion is a high school, and all the cast members merely students. We’ve got the cool kids, the wannabes and — after this episode — the prom king and queen. We also have the backstabbing, the raging hormones, the uncalled for tears, and the backstabbing To kick things off, Chris Harrison invites the Padmates — Padders? — to a desserted field. Yes, desserted. The players are greeted to a pool of ice cream, a hot fudge slide, and a whipped cream field. Oh yeah, and some nut sucks. I present to you: Hot Sludge Funday, the meanest, messiest obstacle course in town. Who will reign victorious, and who will develop an eating disorder? After an early lead, Team Jamie and Ed can’t stomach the fudgy, sludgy (disgusting) mountain of goop and finish last. Rachel and David win by a nose and secure their places in the Pad for yet another week. Good thing for no-necked David, too, because no one really likes him and it’s clear that he’s going home the first chance the ladies get to vote him off the island.
With the icky challenge out of the way, it’s time for our contestants to get their date on. Dave’s date is up first and he picks Jamie, Blakeley, and Erica to join him for his mysterious evening of love and magic. Picking these three ladies, who clearly hate one another, means that Dave is either a glutton for punishment, a masochist, or just plain stupid. Does he realize there will be crying on his date? Because there definitely will be. Maybe he likes crying? Eh, I think he’s dumb. Oh golly gee willikers, David’s date is a prom. Complete with pastel balloons, a cheesy photo station, and a second-rate band. My bad, that’s country music sensation Katie Armiger. Oh, and the ladies get to change into ugly dresses. Cue the return of Erica Rose’s tiara. This may be the only semi-appropriate tiara-wearing circumstance Erica Rose has ever attended. Where have you been, tiara? I’ve missed you so!
Hold the phone, breaking news from Blakeley. She is not here to find love, she is not here to make friends. Repeat, she is not here to make friends. And Jamie is trying to steal her partner. Jamie is a snake, and she better watch out because Blakeley is a Scorpio (I can’t make this stuff up, people). Jamie retorts, “What Blakeley doesn’t realize is her personality isn’t always attractive.” Them’s fighting words. You can’t take that back Jamie; you’re going to have to live with what you said. I hope your evening of extended arm, middle school dancing with a guy you’re not attracted to is worth the Wrath of Blakeley.
Back at the mansion, it’s Orgy 2.0. The alcohol is flowing and the music is blaring like it’s the freakin’ weekend and everybody’s about to have them some fun. In the midst of it all, Reid is being a Sneaky Pete and trying to recruit peons in his revenge plot against Ed, who at that very moment is carrying a slippery Jaclyn on his back like a sack of potatoes from the pool to his opium den of Xena Warrior Princess battle calls for what one can only imagine will be crazy, but not necessarily mutually satisfying, animalistic sex. Cut to a commercial.
The very next day is Rachel of the Blonde Bangs’ date. Rach of course picks loverboy Michael Stagliano to join her and throws pity invites to both Tony the Crying Dad and Nick Who Are You Anyway. The four of them head off to the most romantic of locations, Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum. Oh I’m sorry, did I say “romantic”? I meant creepy and completely inappropriate. To make things even sexier, the foursome will spend the date pretending to be wax figures and scaring the s***t out of unsuspecting Bachelor/ette fans. Tony has the added joy of hearing a chubby teenager call him, “The nicer word for pathetic.” That’s gotta smart.
In due time, Rachel gets rid of the riffraff and finds a snuggly corner in the dark recesses of the wax museum to cuddle under a scratchy blanket with the one, the only, Mr. Michael Stagliano. The two spend the next few hours passing notes that read “Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No,'” and giving one another Eskimo kisses. The lights fade on Rachel and Stags and rise again to reveal everyone in their Rose Ceremony’s finest, ready to lie and cheat and steal their way into another week of this friendly game. Before casting their votes, everyone speaks in superlatives (“Reid just made the biggest mistake of his life”) and gets irrationally surprised to discover that everyone is lying, cheating, and stealing. I’m sorry, but have you watched this show? During an especially high strung conversation between Jaclyn and Ed (I think?) I can’t help but get distracted by the lovely jade lanterns on the ottoman in front of them. These beauties really steal the spotlight. Can I pick them up at Pier One Imports?